All By Myself

A dear friend of mine sent me a note in the mail last week. One line of it particularly caught my attention. She wrote, "Sometimes, we as mothers feel that we must do it all." I have not read a truer statement in a very long time, and it hit me that this is exactly how I usually live my life. I get caught up in frustration over the dishes that didn't get washed (again), the laundry that (still) isn't folded, or the toys that are (continually) scattered across the floor. I want to be that Superwoman mother who has a spotless house, a home-cooked meal in the oven just in case unexpected company arrives, and beautifully-behaved children who never fight and always lend a compliment at the most needed moments.

Ha.

In frustration, I often grumble to myself, "I just can't do it all by myself!"

And I think it is at precisely that moment that I realize what it is that the Lord has been trying to teach me all along: I'm not SUPPOSED to be doing this all by myself.

Oi.

God has most graciously given us Mommies some very wonderful helpers if we would but utilize them. He has given us His word to lead, guide, and teach us as we train up our dear little spark plugs for His glory. He has given us His Spirit to govern our less-than-perfect attitudes. He has given us our dear husbands who labor hours on end to provide not only for our physical needs but also give us support, love, and encouragement. He has given us our friends who pray daily for us and who can relate to our situations. There really is no shortage of help, but how often do we overlook, either accidentally or purposefully, these support systems that He has put in place?

The hardest part, for me, is remembering and utilizing these fantastic helpers. My dear friend took just a moment to remind me of this, and I am so glad that she did. I hope that I can, in turn, aid others in realizing this as well. God never meant for motherhood to be an "I can do it all" job. It's just too big to do it alone, and, thankfully, we don't have to tackle this mountain "all by myself."

Interior Decorating Failure No. 1

Monday morning after Jon left for his first day of work, I took a moment to decide how to spend my day. Ordinarily, I try to tackle the most obvious, most unsightly home management problems (such as overflowing laundry and rampant stacks of dirty dishes) and then move on to the less noticeable areas of concern (i.e., our bedroom, where no wise creature would ever choose to invade). After brief consideration, however, I chose to follow a reverse pattern. Jon is accustomed to stepping over clean laundry that has tumbled onto the dirty laundry room floor, so he probably wouldn't care if he had to do it yet again. On the other hand, our poor bedroom has received such neglect over the past two years - it was our place to dump everything that did not have a permanent home - that I felt it deserved to be ignored no longer.

This decision made, the kids and I dragged out bags of Mommy's crochet yarn, hung up laundry that had been carelessly tossed onto the antique rocker, vacuumed, changed sheets, dusted, rearranged furniture, and vacuumed some more. The end result was amazing and inspiring. I suddenly had a bedroom that looked half appreciated, somewhat decorated (as long as you can tolerate the fact that the bedspread and curtains, both given to us for free, are very different shades of burgundy), and quite refreshing in its now-simplified layout.

So far, so good.

As one good deed deserves another, I decided to tackle the adjacent bathroom next. As mentioned above, I had been given some lovely curtains at no cost. They arrived in mis-matched fashion inside an opaque plastic bag. I had already hung the pair of burgundy curtains for the bedroom, and to my excitement there appeared to be another matching set in the bottom of the bag underneath several sets of tan curtains that are now residing in my living room. I wrestled out my $3 curtain rod from Walmart and, with electric drill in hand, managed to get the rod hung in a somewhat strait line. After I pulled out one of the remaining burgundy curtains and positioned it on the rod, I went back for the last curtain.

Only, there WAS no last curtain.

Instead, there was a nifty little burgundy curtain tie.

Oops.

I stood back to admire the half-curtain hanging down the right side of the window and started laughing. The best I could do was to use the tie on the single curtain and place some matching candles on the opposite side of the tub to try to balance out the color. It looks ridiculous!!

I've decided to leave it as it is, though, because it does make me laugh, and at least it adds a little color to an otherwise-uninspiring bathroom. Maybe some day I'll find a mate for my lonely curtain, or maybe in all my cleaning I'll eventually find the decorative burgundy grapes that my sister-in-law gave me years ago and hang them on the exposed part of the curtain-less rod.

All that to say, if you ever need a unique decorating style, I'm your (wo)man for the job. Trust me, it takes talent to accomplish such feats!

The Great Day Has Arrived

My poor blog!! How have I neglected thee? I hope to make it up to you with the wonderful news I have to share in this post: starting Monday (yes, THIS Monday, as in 3 days from today!), Jon will begin a day-time position with a local company!!

I really haven't a clue about how I should be feeling right now. 5 years is a long time to endure something that, to me, was so unpleasant. 5 years also provides enough time to learn to passively accept that which I despise, to adjust to something to the point of its becoming "normal." So even though I've learned to put up with the grueling necessity of the night shift, I have no qualms of bidding it goodbye (except to be afraid that the new job will somehow fall through and we'll have to go back to it...again).

The greatest emotion I currently feel is thankfulness. I am thankful to God for giving me this wonderful gift. I am thankful to the many, many faithful family and friends who have prayed with us for so long. I am thankful to be released from the drudgery of being a night-time single parent. I am thankful that my husband can finally go to a job that he looks forward to, and one which will hopefully enable him to live a more healthy lifestyle (grave shift doesn't do much for one's immune system, that's for sure!).

I hope I never lose this thankfulness; I hope I never forget what it is that we are leaving behind; and I hope I never forget to pray for those who must continue on with late-night hours or other less-than-ideal employment.

Hopefully this will help me to become a better wife, mother, and homemaker. I have tried my best to improve on these qualities while Jon was still on nights, but now that I won't have to tell the kids to be quiet at every turn, now that I can clean and vacuum without worrying about waking anyone up, and now that our schedule will be closer to what the world calls "normal," I hope to do even better. I am excited about the possibilities!

With that light, I also hope to take a slightly different (and more consistent!) approach with my blog. For those who are interested, I plan to share some of my trials and triumphs as I plunge ahead into improving my teaching, cleaning, and culinary skills. I admit that I anticipate many set-backs, but hopefully I will be able to present them in a humorous fashion that others can relate to.

And, if all else fails, I'll just go back to ignoring my blog. :)

It's Gonna Be A Long Night

One of the biggest reasons I hate the night shift is because it leaves me home alone, with three little ones and without a car. My greatest fear is that one of them will come down with something in the middle of the night when I am least able to properly care for them.

The ironic thing is that this has never happened - although the kids wake me up for various reasons, it's never been due to illness. This just goes to show that the Lord will not try us beyond our capabilities! He knows my limitations, and He has not required me (yet) to face this particular fear. And if/when He does, I also know that He will supply the grace I'll need to handle the situation.

Even more ironic is the fact that I'm sitting here at the computer at 12:53 A.M. because I'm coughing so hard I can't sleep. So, instead of being up with a sick little one, I'm up with a sick ME! I have a feeling that it's going to be a long night. While I do hope that I can soon be rid of this most recent virus, it is a good reminder to be thankful for my health when I do have it.

And it also reminded me of a funny incident that occurred a few weeks back. I was sound asleep when, at 3:40A.M., I heard a little voice.

Kyle: Mommy? I can't find my pillow.
Me: Just look for it in the morning.
Kyle: But I really NEED my pillow.
Me (stumbling, half asleep, into his room): Kyle, it's right there, at the top of your bed, where it belongs!
Kyle: Oh, yeah. I forgot.

Oh, the joys of being a night-time parent! :)

Hesitant Anticipation

Before Jon graduated, I eagerly longed for the day he would no longer have school work. It just could not come quickly enough, in my opinion! Now that we're on the other side of graduation (and let me assure you, it's been every bit as wonderful as I'd imagined!), I am just as eager for the day that he'll no longer work nights. I mean, if no school is this good, what could be better than having him work normal hours where he can be home with me at night and on the weekends?

And yet, as much as I want that new job, I have to admit that I also hesitate, just a little. What if the new job falls through? What if it requires a move? What if, what if, what if? The security guard job he has is working...sort of. It's getting us by for the time being, and it probably isn't going to fall through no matter how poor the economy becomes. In an odd way, I've come to depend on it, even though I loathe it as well.

Does this sound rather silly? It does to me, when I step back and think about it. I guess the insecurity comes from what has happened before: he worked nights years ago but then landed a great, high-paying day job. But when that fell through, he had to go back to nights. I'm afraid of going through that again.

Really, this is how I feel about Heaven and life after death. The Bible has promised that Heaven is for all of us who believe, that it is far better, far richer, far more wonderful than we can ever hope to imagine. And yet, since I've not actually seen it, since I cannot touch it, picture it, or imagine it, I am afraid of it. It's the unknown. Those who are already there are probably shaking their heads at me. It will be better than anything I have ever known, just as having Jon on a day shift will be unfathomably better than his current work situation.

So, I anticipate both Jon's new job (whenever it comes) and Heaven...but with just a hint of hesitation on the side. I'm sure that after the change has taken place, I will laugh at myself for being so silly. Perhaps, though, this is what keeps me human.

Mirror Image

Recently, my friend Amy pointed out how our children reflect us - often with painful accuracy. When I see the boys do something wrong or hear them repeat something that causes me to blush, I usually find the root of these things in something I've said or done. It is rather embarrassing to see myself so perfectly replicated in my kids. More accurately, it's convicting.

On the flip side, when I find Tyler cleaning up a mess Lauren has made without my asking him to, when Kyle walks up to me just to tell me he loves me, I smile contentedly inside. It is comforting to know that more than just my errors are rubbing off.

In many ways, the boys' good behavior is just as convicting as their bad judgment. Do I respond with as much enthusiasm to chores as my kids do? Am I as willing to forgive them as they are to forgive me? Can I rest as contentedly in difficult situations as they do?

So, while they do mirror me, I also find myself hoping to reflect them as well.

Dragging My Dross

My mom has often pointed out correlations between infants and the Christian faith. As a result, I've started noticing these comparisons as well.

One evening not long ago, Lauren stood fussing at the toy box, which was just a few feet from where I was sitting at the computer. I called her to me to see what her complaint was about. After several minutes, she still hadn't arrived, so I looked over to see what was hindering her progress. Slowly, yet surely, she was inching closer to me, dragging along with her an empty, mesh toy bag. Why on earth she wanted the bag to accompany her was beyond me. It served no purpose but to slow her down, making what should have been a very short journey into an encumbered, difficult task. In short, it was preventing her from making her way to me.

This whole scenario caused me to consider what things in life I tend to drag around with me, things that potentially hinder my faith, that cause undo anxiety, that interrupt my relationship with God. Chances are good that I have many such snags, and I am going to guess that I am still blind to many, if not most, of them. Yesterday, I became aware of just one.

In my finite mind, God must operate along a certain path. For example, I just assumed that God had to provide for our family by presenting Jon with a different job. Instead, He's shown just how mighty and infinite He is by providing in every way BUT a different job!! I also assumed that we needed to go out hunting for a new job if Jon were ever to find a new one. Wrong again.

I woke up yesterday morning in a good mood (amazing what two nights of uninterrupted sleep can do!), praising the Lord for His goodness, faithfulness, and provision. And for a moment (albeit brief), I even felt that I just might, in His power, be able to cope a little longer with this horrible night shift. No, it's not easy, but with God, all things are certainly possible.

While I was enjoying this peace that passes all understanding, Jon was at a work meeting where he discussed with his boss the lack of opportunity for a promotion at his current company. A coworker, who was also in attendance, told another coworker (who missed the meeting) how frustrated Jon was that Jon couldn't progress to a management position despite his best efforts to do so. The coworker who had missed the meeting then called Jon and informed Jon that he had an older brother who worked in the computer industry. Thus, Jon now has a meeting this week with this coworker's brother!

Without our lifting the smallest finger, the Lord opened up this opportunity. It came not from our ambition, but it was singly the Lord's working.

Now, this does not in any way mean that a new job is on the horizon; as far as we know, the computer company doesn't even have a current position available. But what this taught me was that the Lord is capable of anything, and just because I cannot foresee the way He may choose to provide, it doesn't mean that He's incapable of it. I just need to quit dragging along my dross (i.e., my own plans); I need to rest completely in His care; and I need to remember that God is not hindered by my limitations, desires, and sin.

Pretty amazing, isn't it?